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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
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You can go anywhere in your mind, it will take you as far as your willing to go, in any direction any understanding, any choice, any fear, any love. It wants you to go there then when you find your place it wants you to be there and when you hold yourself separate from your highest idea of yourself there is nothing but pain. Why choose the pain? Life is about faith in yourself, your only........ love, the quiet peace within, the moment that is extending forever. Your promise is you will always have this moment to free yourself of the past the only moment to feel anything. Happiness is our freedom and I love you I hope you listen I need your help. I write this because there is too much more of the lie and not enough of the truth, Truth is always so cleverly hidden right in front of you. You are a miracle, you are an impossibility that is somehow possible. Accept the sun inside you and never look back.
I always loved the idea of a new start, the idea that a blank page promises pure possibilities. I love new journals the idea that the book held my adventures to be lived in its pages. I would from time to time rip out all the used pages ashamed of the past looking for the new day, the new me living on the clean unlined future. Leave the old story behind and begin, it is the message that is in my blood at the bottom of my mind waiting to say hello. A new moment it like sitting under the stars, all of a sudden you know there is more to you that the constraints of your idea of who you are.....instead you are untouched you know in that moment that you always have to be new you always will be free. The emotion is so pure so real that it makes the meaning of your reality dissapear and out of fear we let go of this wonderful emotion for the safety of our past.
Life is in itself holds the promise in every moment you are free to be. Free to come to an understanding of who I am through my own eyes not through the eyes of others. Life is constantly trying to show us what is, trying to remind our hearts what will always be. Life is about forgetting to remember a game of pure joy, Born of this Moment forevermore new. Everything that is behind you is behind it is in some sense forever gone, existing but not now. Unless you pull it back to you. Blink your eyes, feel the air on your skin, the warmth of your heart ....so complex and so simple so very untouched in this moment never followed always free. In you always new, always a blank canvas, an endless sea more possibilities than the stars.
There is no greater journey than the one your begging yourself to take. Open your eyes again can you now see?
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"Your reality in you is the infinity in you"
I wonder who actually writes these, But whatever the case they are beautiful. My tea is constantly reminding me to calm down and trust in the peace. Nothing better than green tea with pomagrante so frickin happy. You sip it and it is wonderful warm water, bowing your head over the cup as the swirling steam rises to your nostrels or breafly condenses on your face before rising again.
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Laying out underneath a beautiful night sky, your answer is given to you, of all the questions you have ever asked. An emotion so pure so specific is given to you. How long do you want to hold your answer? Follow this emotion it says follow this feeling, your more than what you see, your more than what you say, your more than what you allow yourself to know. When you know nothing you know the most. Buddha had it down to be at peace with all, is to be all of it and none of it. To choose love is to choose the truth I am of all, I love all that I am, I step into the freedom of knowing that I am ment to be free of pain, for in my own mind I can know no greater freedom. Jesus said "Take, eat; this is My body." For there could be no truer statement, I am all that is taste of my creation. Live in my love for you. All is true, because I am part of all that is being created.
I am love, I am the silence within, the feeling, knowing, being of peace. All else is the creative thought which is used as the expression of the continuing perspective of our being. What is true for one is true for all.
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Saturday, December 30th, 2006
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I guess I need to make some observations. It might be easier to do this typing so that is why I am doing it here.
I just read a book and it made so much sense it hurt, it brought together everything I beleive in and because of this it revived my beliefs. It is a book that presents and summerizes the "law of attraction" from multiple veiwpoints. It never made sense to me I guess that we were supposed to live our lives with all the knowledge that can be presented to us on what this experience of life is. We we realize that heaven is now, that the creative force of life(God) is energy and it is in everything that is no exception. What does that mean when being a human being in the proper sense of the understanding is rediculous. Our minds cannot even touch upon the ideas of "nothing" or "before time" what can come out of nothing. With no true explanation we set out to live, we set out to feel, we set out to be human, to sucumb to feeling small and impermanent. Embracing the joy of being alive and being alone. Being a lone soul we are penetrated with this idea, however the soul is the energy that runs through all. We are not seperate we are the entity of creation, we are creation, and the point of this is we are creation and we create. We are the creator, we are here to create love, beauty, life. We are here to continue creation till its end.
As humanity we have waited so long to take the reigns of the creator when they have always been there, we give freely our power to others. Have we been waiting for this moment or have we put it off. There is such an addictive comfort to our eveloution as individual souls. Make beleive is as much fun for children as it is for God. Every moment you feel human and powerless you are playing make beleive. Human is in the deception we have embraced it is our greatest tool for play as is it our greatest hinderance. Think how the individual soul have evolved over time to experience freedom and creation pealing back layers, changing society, growing, living, dying to figure out how, to find their way back to what they are.
We start with ourselves, how to break the curse we love, in order to become who we are once again. Each one of us must know on all levels of conscious we are subject to naught but what we create for ourselves in our own lives and each one of us has the power to create it all. We are just enery that have decided it was human it can decide anything else it wishes. Start with you.
It was a good book it was like blowing the dust off a chest long since forgotten, so much more to learn.
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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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BEIJING (Reuters) - Humans are stripping nature at an unprecedented rate and will need two planets' worth of natural resources every year by 2050 on current trends, the WWF conservation group said on Tuesday.
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Populations of many species, from fish to mammals, had fallen by about a third from 1970 to 2003 largely because of human threats such as pollution, clearing of forests and overfishing, the group also said in a two-yearly report.
"For more than 20 years we have exceeded the earth's ability to support a consumptive lifestyle that is unsustainable and we cannot afford to continue down this path," WWF Director-General James Leape said, launching the WWF's 2006 Living Planet Report.
"If everyone around the world lived as those in America, we would need five planets to support us," Leape, an American, said in Beijing.
People in the United Arab Emirates were placing most stress per capita on the planet ahead of those in the United States, Finland and Canada, the report said.
Australia was also living well beyond its means.
The average Australian used 6.6 "global" hectares to support their developed lifestyle, ranking behind the United States and Canada, but ahead of the United Kingdom, Russia, China and Japan.
"If the rest of the world led the kind of lifestyles we do here in Australia, we would require three-and-a-half planets to provide the resources we use and to absorb the waste," said Greg Bourne, WWF-Australia chief executive officer.
Everyone would have to change lifestyles -- cutting use of fossil fuels and improving management of everything from farming to fisheries.
"As countries work to improve the well-being of their people, they risk bypassing the goal of sustainability," said Leape, speaking in an energy-efficient building at Beijing's prestigous Tsinghua University.
"It is inevitable that this disconnect will eventually limit the abilities of poor countries to develop and rich countries to maintain their prosperity," he added.
The report said humans' "ecological footprint" -- the demand people place on the natural world -- was 25 percent greater than the planet's annual ability to provide everything from food to energy and recycle all human waste in 2003.
In the previous report, the 2001 overshoot was 21 percent.
"On current projections humanity, will be using two planets' worth of natural resources by 2050 -- if those resources have not run out by then," the latest report said.
"People are turning resources into waste faster than nature can turn waste back into resources."
RISING POPULATION
"Humanity's footprint has more than tripled between 1961 and 2003," it said. Consumption has outpaced a surge in the world's population, to 6.5 billion from 3 billion in 1960. U.N. projections show a surge to 9 billion people around 2050.
It said that the footprint from use of fossil fuels, whose heat-trapping emissions are widely blamed for pushing up world temperatures, was the fastest-growing cause of strain.
Leape said China, home to a fifth of the world's population and whose economy is booming, was making the right move in pledging to reduce its energy consumption by 20 percent over the next five years.
"Much will depend on the decisions made by China, India and other rapidly developing countries," he added.
The WWF report also said that an index tracking 1,300 vetebrate species -- birds, fish, amphibians, reptiles and mammals -- showed that populations had fallen for most by about 30 percent because of factors including a loss of habitats to farms.
Among species most under pressure included the swordfish and the South African Cape vulture. Those bucking the trend included rising populations of the Javan rhinoceros and the northern hairy-nosed wombat in Australia.
(Additional reporting by Alister Doyle in Helsinki)
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Saturday, October 7th, 2006
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well wow its saturday mornin I have this new habit of drinking three differerent kinds of tea every morning. I am very much so in a health and purification time for well......... my body, my mind is a wreck as always, but hell I eat branmeal in the morning with fruit and tea have my rediculously insane salad for lunch I use bean sprouts for fuck sake I mean bean sprouts and beans and sunflower seeds or pine nuts!!!!!! I have also recently purchased magic salt which for me is a big deal its called himalayan crystal salt very exciting it is the purest most natural salt on earth. This unique salt is absolutly pristine and natural, born of the ancient primal ocean that stood atop the ground it is harvested from many millions of years ago. Its healthy elements and bio-photon content are ideal for your body. You will find this crystaline brine a pure ocean of energy................................ Anyways its kinda pink which I have determined must be little specks of wooly mammoth jerky. I am a sucker for magical mystical health crap. I am about to buy this tea that strips your body of fat its very exciting.
I was trying to decide wether or not to go to ohio jessica might think I am just mentioning this here for no reason but in actuality ever since she asked me to go and drive back to upstate with her I have been really wanting to go drive back to upstate with the leaves and such so I have been agonizing over this decision. I mean teddy would kill me absolutly kill me if I just decided to escape on another vacation upstate after still being unmployed for a damb long time. I have to get a job next week end of story. The issue was me and teddy have issues and I was trying to decide whether or not to just pack up everything and to move back upstate and go to occ. If New York City was really worth me staying here anymore I figure there is limited space here and right now half of ESM high school is here I figure there are a million highschools in this country and to have such and intense number of people here all people I kknow of course which is even wierder its got to be messing with the universal flux of the city. ...........Yeah well I just thought it was time to go but, maybe its not I really couldn't tell you. In whatever case I havent been emerged in fall for years I miss it I miss the trees I just thought it would be nice but its too late now. Unless i got on a train to clevland right now. Joanna says don't dwell on decisions you don't make. I don't know Joanna and I have gone running in central park the past two wednesdays and this sunday may go apple picking which is very exciting because it means there might be a little fall this year after all. I keep putting off college though it worries me a little I have not figured out how to fit it into my New York life its funny I would love to go to college it jjust seems like safty like a nice little vacation from having ot make life desicions and you get to learn stuff. Whatever that case is I am tired of having fear of my decisions because they might not seem practical or correct.
Today I am going to china town with noel, therezka, deborah, and john to look for food to cook a big dinner tonight. I myself have just finished my bowl of meat stew from yesterday it's hartyness rating is off the charts it is so thick with meats and potatoes its a little scary but even so it tastes like fall and it makes you feel all warm inside. Which is very nice. Happy fall kids .....................................................................................................
...................................................................................................................................Matthewblue
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
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I think there are some thoughts its best to share. I woke up tonight and it was strange Iooked at the room around me and I was filled with disbeleif, this has happened before but not in the same way. I couldn't help look at the problems I had created through the week unable to solve I had decided. Disbelief first that I was alive and then detachment from that realities that I was born into this moment with. If I was writting the book of my life it would be easy to erase the problems and create the joy of ease. Its the honest unfiltered understanding of life that gives a man his freedom. Look through the eyes of the writer not the eyes of the character, its the writer that can save the story if you so decide it needs saving at all. Its the ability of the writer and the character to live side by side in our own minds the writer doesn't bother to warn the character the writer is there waiting waiting to be used as the power that it is. It is our power, the power of our soul. I never before understood the difference I could only try to describe it with the emotion it filled me with. With disbelief at the power of every moment and action. Disbeleif in the human mind it worries and troubles. Then these emotions brought me to ....nothing the inability to contemplate existance this locked door at the end of the hallway in my mind you feel dead and alive at the same time at the foot of this place. I would love to go there it was my very favorite emotion everything and nothing at once. Its the place that keeps us separate it keeps us human, the closest our understanding of the energy that runs through us all. Then thats it the emotion is gone, almost as fast as it came.
I guess I want to talk about the night of Jessicas log cabin party. It broke certain walls in my mind where my sense of self, paranoia, soul, information library were spilled into one. My predominant emotion in life is fear, very strange thing to come to. Life is not ment to be filled with fear. My mind was racing I was my writer and my character at once I was my fear and my knowlege my emotion and I was at the door of my mind I was there and there was no door. The door is my own understanding of things this self with its filters and blinders cannot contemplate the possibility of this existance. this human thought process wants to know in a way it will understand...How? How is this why? Over a year ago my friend Theresa and I were talking it was one of her last nights in New York and I was trying to explain to her this emotion this answer I longed for and how it made me feel not to know and how I loved to feel that way. She looked at me with a bit of disbeleif and said,"don't you know, don't you feel, ..it always has been, it always will be"............ I think I hated her at that moment because sitting with her that night those words hit somthing, my door was dust. Those words tapped into me it was that simple all of me understood but my human self was trying to push the pile of dust into the shape of a door in vain. She took away my favorite human place her soul speaking directly to mine, the energy that runs through us all.
To go back to the night at the log cabin again, I want to explain to myself and anyone how it felt to have my mind spill together. I must have sounded like a lunatic I said things like "I experienced creation" when I was talking to Pat he told me he always forgot his profound ideas once it was over, I told him "NO!" thinking everyone had, had the experience that my own mind was taking .......thinking, of course its all a game we cannot know all thats going through my head or the world wouldn't work. So I was trying to tell him things that mattered to me at the moment so I saw To Kill a Mocking Bird on the table my mind realing. Oh my god I said out loud "its in the books"..."because we put it there to remind us" I said that quite a few times I sit here right now and it does mean alot its sick its all there in the books. The endless number human lives all our stories are being told again and again in our stories about ourselves. The peices of reality have been written over and over again. Our complicated lives our misunderstandings our inability to comprehend ourselves and our lack of control we have read the stories the souls who have lived and created solutions or died holding onto their insanity. We have all the answers the books we put there to remind us. I was also watching my every step that night because I felt sensitive to the changes in reality............. (because one molecule can exisit in all places at the same time)......... every step was a change and I felt it I was walking through realities, Every reality has a different end and I felt like I was seeing them all. When I said I experienced creation I ment it, I saw it life is itself in every moment a mediphore for creation and I saw it. I was it because I was close to the energy that is everything, as close as I ever got because it spilled in, I didn't need to understand it because it was emotion and image and its there all the time in our lives......in the books.....in our stories! We see creation in outerspace, we look at it in mirror to our own existence. So I too saw it in my own experience I was aware of myself I was one though and it wasn't enough so I looked over there was Jessica she is part of me we are the same then there was an endless horizon it needed to be there. everything was moving outward and then everything at once was all there was it was extremely visual and beautiful, powerful. I am not going ot type here what I saw but the obvious nature of our knowledge is baffling. We are part of this creation and we tap into it for cyclical knowlege over and over again we want to forget we are each other, we are all the creator. We are the writer we have never been disempowered because we cling to the character and disown the obvious truth we can only create because that is the only thing we were ever ment to do. Notice we create everyday not one person is not creating not one molicule of energy in existance in not creating its there and its always been there to see.
So I do lay in disbelief once again tonight at knowledge found then lost. Then lost and found again. At the power we each have that we try to desprately remind ourselves not to forget......... what we are what we always will be.
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Friday, September 1st, 2006
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So let me start off by saying I am a horrible friend its not somthing that I want to scream to the mountaintops so I write it here. Its funny when you write and you know where its coming from. I don't feel like I have been being myself lately, whatever that means. I guess myself will always be the boy who wants to escape with his best friend and leave the world behind. Its funny when you realize that who you are doesn't even fit into your own life. Like caging an animal, but doing it so slow that the animal won't even bother to put up a fight, doing it so slow the poor beast starts helping put the bars in place. Its funny I am not sad about this thats is what worries me I am not even sad about it anymore. It.....wether it works or not was set into place by me and I don't know, but what I do know is the last three years has been an experiment in being afraid of choices, of myself, of life, thinking things out so long that what your thinking about slides away. Ideas slide away because you kill them when you give fear instead of life. I am not sad about this, or am I. I like radical changes but who am I kidding radical changes followed by past responses create nothing but more nothing. I need a friend but I have driven them all away. Its funny when I say that I mean I want someone whose life I can merge with and create somthing beautiful. That to me is what friendship is but somewhere along that way I decided that friends do not fit into my life anymore. When in reality all it was, ....was me trying to blame my friends for taking my time from me. As if it was them ruining my life because I couldn't commit to myself if someone needed me to commit to them. It was easier to blame them than myself or anyone else, now I have many broken relashionships time and experiences that I cannot get back. I won't live my life through other people anymore, its just rediculously important to share your life with many lives, Love is important there are too many different kinds of love to ever decide that on has more precidence than another. I should not omit loves in my life. I could give more to this set of ideas but I have been waiting for this disscussion of architechture on charlie rose on PBS I have been watching PBS all night I wanted to see some friends, maybe read a book, start some art, but I have been learning so much I can't turn my television off. I mean in three or four hours I have learned so much about things i wanted to get a better understanding of. Well thank you for listening.....matthew
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I guess I could have said chollerah still it popped into my mind so its fine there
Hello kids its me again and this time I would like to tell the public that jessica herself is having a get together kinda like the one we had after graduation at the campsite with everyone but this is a bit different I suppose because its four years later and there will be a log cabin. SO the only rule is good people only its not a giant party but it will be alot of people enough to know who is supposed to be there or not if you went before probably want you to come again kell cara jeff katie hell whomever give em a call of email me 6467520906 or bluemattthew@yahoo so yeah its jessicas get together so she askes me to pass on this information
Jul 24, 2006 9:46 AM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject: Party Info
Body: Ok, so the party is set for AUGUST 5th - Saturday - First weekend of August. You should call anyone in your phonebookthingy that is laidback and cool - Because that's what we're going for. Tell them to try to Carpool as much as possible so there won't be a million cars on the street.
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Address is 7454 Saulsbury RD, Tully, NY, 13159
Directions from Syracuse are:
81 South to Exit 13 (Preble)
Left hand turn which take you over 81, it's a bridge
Drive for 1 or 2 miles
Take a left onto SongLakeCrossing
Go over that Bridge
Right onto Saulsbury RD
First house on the Right hand side, it's a log cabin, set into the woods. Park car with other cars in road - and come find beer. : )
Tell people that they can stay over if they don't want to drive home. But since there will be so many people - they might not get a bed. So tell them to toss a pillow, some blankets, and anything comfy to passout on. The camper will be open - but there's no bedding.
Bonfire party. Bring: OFF, sweatshirts, chairs if possible, whatever. No cover charge. Just bring some snacks and some cheap beer if possible to throw in the cooler. Will have jello shots and some mixed drinks as well. Games will probably be Stump and drinking Catchphrase....
I am headed to NYC for the week, but thinking about cutting my trip shorter than I expected - I should be home on Tuesday. But until then, you know my number if anything comes up. Call people. Think of it as our last big camping thing - we need good people. Pat's going to bring some friends too, which will be nice. x0x--Jes
Thats all she wrote give me a call if you have any questions try to getahold of the people you used to know that you used to love chances are you still do.................................matthew
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Lets go camping......whos with me I am coming home for awhile may 19 through the 28th. I say there is time for some camping. I have no clue why I feel like I am throwing myself out on a limb here. Or at least a get together of sorts with everyone you havent seen in forever we can do it I mean unless we can't. I wanna know how every one is doing. I want to get dirty. Me and jessica are hosting so you just got to let us know. If you can't make it I am also coming again in july. Whatever the case is I am happy to go home and see some good friends I havent seen in awhile. I wnat to see kel and jeff (kenji) and cara and adrianne and lindsey fuck anyone I don't or do know who cares I miss good people. I love good people. So if its a bite to eat or night of camping fun let me know.
...........................matthew
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I just finished watering my plants I have twelve plants and I love each one very dearly they all have different needs and they are all beautiful. I will take this moment to reiterate how much I love plants. As I watered these plants I was thinking I have alot of things and then my mind slid into I have alot of thougts I also have alot of other peoples thoughts in fact when the option is given I want to hear and absorb what other people are doing becasue in my own mind i see myself to be blank and very simple. I want the people who have decided more things about themselves to talk and I will listen and my thoughts become heavy . As a side note I accept that your thoughts are heavy and in no way think that I am special or different of think that I am the only one who is this way. But I will say this and mean it I am heavy with thoughts not thoughts that grow or change or live thoughts that stick are absorbed thoughts that weigh me down. How can I may I ask? free myselves of dead thoughts ? Life its seems has mirrored my predicament I have lots of things, I myself am heavy, my mind it is so full of piles of nothing it has become empty. I am attached to so much and I absorb it all. If I hold it all than I could have it all? Couldn't I? If I have to get onto a hot air balloon I am gonna have to get rid of some of this baggage or I could never get anywhere moutains of sandbags to discard. Is it because when I left to new york four years ago I gave it all up, I gave up my life I gave up all my old fears for one day when I left that was it. I would like to lay it out to you my friends I cleaned my bedroom top to bottom emtied every drawer mad my bed vacuumed polished my furniture. Took anything I wanted to keep and hid it with friends. My mother told me I was gonna die here and she never wanted to see me again beat me and screamed at me and cried and hated me because the pain and guilt she felt for all the years of pain and misunderstanding that paseed between us at that moment would stand untouched in that moment unforgiven forever and she hated me with all her heart. One of the only times I was ever ready on time when my dad picked me up in his geo. My mom had left for a period of time and I took that moment to look at my room, my room which I spent hours on to make sure it was always a place I could find peace. Everything was pale shades of blue and when you walked in it was soft blue light all about you and if I had the window open the soft tones of the wind chime katie got for my birthday. I looked for that last time at my little insignificant life when I looked at that room because at that moment when I shut that door it was the last time I would shut my door. As far as I knew at that moment it was the last time I would ever feel at home in my home. Truely a blank moment heavy on expectations and light regrets.
I have never slept more tan a night or two at a time since I left and I sleep in the spare bedroom and I do not feel at home.
I regret alot and that is part of the problem becasue I decided to be ashamed and sad about this endevor and it has weighed on me greatly for years now. My last scrape of sanity or even dignatly lies behind sheild of vanity I have created, and at this moment I am subconciously trying to destroy.
I don't know what to do except make the same mistakes over the same problems to keep me safe in my sameness and I feel as if I am so tense with all these worries i have created that I have made the best cage I could alot myself. Now at this poin tI am looking to find these thoughts I have descovered, created, have been given to see who i am, who i have created and what I have been made. In this way if I am a lucky man I can choose one thought and own it. My own life not someone elses personality, addictions and follies my own me with the freedom to choose who I feel I am gonna be.
Being too aware can create its own delutions.
I am so afraid to let things go.
I just want to get beyond somthing here I want to lay it out. I might be afraid to let it go because it is my only sense of self I have and I am afraid to move on to understand somthing new. somthing new. Beleiving in somthing new is hard somtimes. Because even though a million new thoughts have bypased my system in this city you can't just route out every insanity every mistake and even the possibilities because even though I hate to ramble on this emotion is so deeply tied into me that when I am stuck in a rut I am too proud to reach for a helping hand I would rather sit in my own shit and consider my own choice up stewing in saddness and regret as if these two feindish emotions could ever help me create a self that even I could love. So I sit here in my own staggnant state ignoring as many people as possible so I won't have to recite my own sad version of my life to another. I will listen because I cannot bear to have the conversation go to me because I have grown to loathe myself. I am blank and unhappy and that it what I continue to produce. Please don't make me pretend to be happy one second longer if I hav eto feed off and more unhealthy personalities to create a daily persona that exhasts and depresses me once i am alone. Once I am alone I feel like I was in a spell and I was nothing ment nothing I said that couldn't have been me I hope they didn't think they met me.
I have never in my life been more unsure it seems the more information I procure the more i am unsettled with my life. I can't be fake anymore I can't smile with nothing underneithe it.
Are you a creator or a creation?
I wish I could type until I beleived in somthing again. I wish I could type laugh at all my self absorbed quandries. i wish i could type until I felt free to take a step forward. I have a hard time continuing small changes I believe in big ones. Maybe I shouldn't forget that or maybe I should. I only continue typing because I need to unload this somewhere I need to move on. How much dirt can I shovel?
I was thinking today if I died go hit by a car and I was about to leave my body and I have the choice to continue on instead of die. If I thought of every day like that just wonder if it would help. If everyday was a new chance, a chance to live.
one thing I do know is emotions or energy patterns with continue as you live your life cycling the same sort of cercumstances over and over again. How you feel is so importance because it controls you I don't beleive in choosing how you feel. Feelings are who you are no matter how fucked up you may be there the only things that are individual hopfully when you learn to love yourself you can experience a life where your emotions create joy and life interacting with your surroundings.
A place where you can turn into light and passion and create it around you in turn. Agree with how you feel.
the purpose of this typing is because i am scared I am heavy in mind and body and spirit. I am carrying to much on me, with me and in me. Trying to move on set some of these extra thoughts behind me. Decide somthing live somthing beautiful. Let go it is time to let go.
When you read this I hope it helps you leave somthing here.
I love you, because there is so much more we need to say to each other
.....................................................Matthew
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Saturday, February 18th, 2006
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I think its cause I have to lie for it then I am becoming the lie
you know I think I want to answer the questions to my home test here I have been asking people what they think for like three weeks because i am so petrified of it. I wait for validation and that is bad but I am human and that is how is how we are raised its hard to break out of the need for approval. I guess I just wanted someone to listen to my ideas and tell me they were good because I have such a lack of confidence. I know I don't have to worry about getting in cause most likely hood it will not happen. The question is do I want it to I mean this august it will have been four years here, I feel like the only thing I learned was to kill my spirit and be an adult. I am not happy here I am playing the role of someone who is satisfied with somthing maybe i am. It has been a long time. Still havn't changed so I have to say I won't I have to figure out how to work with what I am.
Dissapointment becomes dissapointment
Self hate becomes self hate
loathing becomes loathing
lies become lies
it works the other way to
joy becomes joy
love becomes love
exuberance becomes exuberance
I feel like I am all the things I decided to decide about myself years ago the things I kept deciding in the back of my head. its some consolation that at least it was me who got to decide. I am listening to tori amos right now I havent listened to her in a very long time I aways think of alicia how I felt when I first met her. Sitting in her basement and watching her dance. Yeah to get to the point how can you explain that feeling I now lack that exuberance I know the best feelings happen on accident all this new age decide how you feel bullshit. Your feelings are one of the most powerful senses you have when you ignore them you ignore yourself decide who you are sure but listen to how you feel. Realizing your an individual its just you for the rest of this life is really scary. Is it pathetic to want to join up with your past again, or should I just accept that it is the past and nothing is ever the same. The part of me I like the best hasn't been stimulated in years. So it comes to me that the first you is the best you. Because even though you grow and change become more intellegent more catious the first you doesn't know any better and in my case at least is touched the deepest by the past. the future comes through so many filters its hard to just let it be.Or maybe life that you don't plan. Life you don't plan you get to live.
I guess if I have to be honest I have to say I like being me I love what I love. If I don't let myself forget it, I love to live, wow if I contimplate what it means when I say that I have to cry because I forgot that. Here it goees I have to type it again because its true please don't let me forget this as long as I live.I love my life I beleive in adventure and I beleive in life I love to tell you how much I love to live.You dont understand I almost died here Do any of you understand that I almost died. I havent enjoyed being alive in years my god its crazy to really get this. I love my life right? my god somtimes I am even interesting and somtimes I am really happy so happy that I mean it, i mean it so deep that even when it goes away its still there. Wow holy shit I am a fun person to be around god i love myself i am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful. Jesus christ life can sand away the soul. How could you let me forget? I have been dead for no reason. SO okay here it goes. Know the truth anything can happen. Know what it means know what it means and be free.
I love you okay
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Friday, February 3rd, 2006
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1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
-pink flamingos or black swans or one watteled cassowaries
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.
-giant couch pillow with pretty yet masculine print
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
-breakfast with oprah
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
-10:15
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
-10:06 wow pretty good considering my detachment from time
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
- Oprah I really with I could turn it off
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
-walking from work to home
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
-started here on livejournal
9. What are you wearing?
- black hanes boxer breifs and a tight stretch with gap t shirt(sounds much better than it looks)
10. Did you dream last night?
-I didn't sleep well but I with I could remember my happy dreams
11. When did you last laugh?
-I laugh all the time but I don't mean or enjoy it
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
-three giant clocks all pretty and antique looking with a giant gold mirror lots of plants and bla bla bla
13. What do you think of this quiz?
-I liked the first question and I really don't support helping kaite skip classes
14. What is the last film you saw?
-In her shoes on dvd
15. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
-stop working these retail jobs
-study art and them try for the archetecture home test
-pay my dad back for everything he has ever done for me
-fix my grandmas pool
-buy some stock and real estate
-books
-a vacation by myself for a month then I would have my friends come down for another month
-I just want time to reaquaint myself with the sun
16. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
-what you think of me is more important to me than what I think of me
17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
-one thing lets make it two education teahing every child the same in schools every school to give hope to children and a sense of freedom a sense of safety. Most of all homeless shelters that people can better themselves in homeless shelters all over the world in every part of the world any human being would be proud to call home
18. Do you like to dance?
-too much I suppress my need to dace far too much
19. George Bush:
-makes me want to cry, he lies to the worlds face and we clap for him it hurts my soul to listen to him
20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
-I will let you know
21. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
-?
22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
-please god!!!
23. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
-get back down there and accomplish somthing asshole
24. 4 people who must also do this in THEIR journals:
jes, lesley I dont know
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
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The Healing Power of Sound
by Simon Heather BSoc.Sc, MBAcC, MCOH
The astonishing results of sound upon blood, water, cancer cells, neurones and a range of conditions.
The History of Sound Healing
Sound has been used as a healing force for thousands of years. All ancient civilizations used sound for healing. Traditional cultures still surviving today understand the remarkable healing power that lies in sound.
In the Bible we are told that David played his harp to lift King Saul’s depression. Egyptian papyri over 2,600 years old refer to incantations as cures for infertility and rheumatic pain.
The ancient Greeks believed music had the power to heal body and soul. They used the flute and the lyre for treating illnesses such as gout and sciatica. It is reported that Alexander the Great’s sanity was restored by music played on the lyre. There is an ancient Greek saying, ‘Men have song as a physician for pain.’
Pythagoras used special songs and incantations with particular melodies and rhythms, to cure diseases of the body and mind.1
What is Sound Healing?
Sound healing is the therapeutic application of sound frequencies to the body/mind of a person with the intention of bringing them into a state of harmony and health. The dictionary defines ‘harmony’ as ‘congruity of parts to their whole or to one another’. ‘Health’ is defined as ‘the state of being bodily and mentally vigorous and free of disease’.
The French ear, nose and throat specialist Dr Alfred Tomatis has devoted the last 50 years to understanding the ear and its function. He believes that the ear is the most important of all our sense organs. The ear controls the body’s sense of balance, rhythm and movement and is the conductor of the entire nervous system.
Through the medulla, the auditory nerve connects with all the muscles of the body. Hence, muscle tone, equilibrium, flexibility and vision are affected by sound. Through the vagus nerve, the inner ear connects with the larynx, heart, lungs, stomach, liver, bladder, kidneys, small intestine and large intestine.
Tomatis believes that high frequency sounds (3,000Hz and above) activate the brain and affect cognitive functions such as thinking, spatial perception and memory. Listening to these sounds increases our attentiveness and concentration.2
Resonance
When an opera singer vibrates a glass with their voice, they have matched the resonant frequency of the glass. As the singer increases the volume of their sound, the resonance becomes too great for the forces that hold the glass together and it shatters. Modern medicine now uses sound waves to break up kidney stones and gallstones.
Every organ, every bone, every cell in the body has its own resonant frequency. Together they make up a composite frequency like the instruments of an orchestra. When one organ in the body is out of tune it will affect the whole body. Through sound healing it may be possible to bring the diseased organ into harmony with the rest of the body, hence avoiding the need for drugs or surgery.
The principle of entrainment states that powerful rhythmic vibrations from one source will cause the less powerful vibrations of another source to lock into the vibration of the first source. Nature always seeks the most efficient state; it takes less energy to pulse in co-operation that in opposition.
Scientific Research into Sound
In the 18th century Ernest Chladni, a German physicist, found that when a violin bow was drawn vertically across the rim of a metal plate the sound waves produced created patterns in sand sprinkled on the plate. Different musical tones would cause the sand particles to move into geometric patterns.
In the 1960s Hans Jenny, a Swiss scientist, spent over ten years conducting experiments to discover the effects of sound waves on materials placed on metal plates vibrated with sound. Materials such as glycerine, mercury, gel, powder and iron fillings were used. He photographed the patterns created.
He found that low frequency sounds produced simple geometric shapes in the materials. As the sound frequency was increased, these simple forms would break up and more complex patterns would appear. The sound ‘OH’ would produce a perfect circle. The sound ‘OM’ produced a pattern that resembles the Shri Yantra; the ancient mandala for ‘OM’ used in India for thousands of years.
Jenny came to the conclusion that sound creates form and that the entire human body had its own sound made up of all the sounds of its cells, tissues and organs.3
Fabien Maman
In 1974, Fabien Maman was working as a professional jazz musician. He noticed that certain musical keys had an energizing effect on both the musicians and the audience.
Fabien worked with the French physicist Joel Sternheimer. Sternheimer had discovered that elementary particles vibrate at frequencies in accordance with musical laws. They found that body tissue, organs and acupuncture meridians each have a musical note.
A few years later, Fabien met Hélène Grimal, a senior researcher at the National Centre for Scientific Research in Paris. They devoted a year-and-a-half to study the effects of sound on normal and malignant cells. Using drums, gongs, flutes, guitar, bass and a xylophone, they investigated the effects of sound on healthy blood cells, haemoglobin, and the ‘Hela’ cancer cell from the uterus.
They found that even at 30-40 decibels the sound always produced noticeable changes in the cells. As the sounds progressed up the musical scale there would be an ‘explosion’ of the cancer cells at a certain frequency as the sound travelled outward from the centre of the cell to its outer membrane. The experiment yielded the most dramatic results when the human voice was used.
Fabien says, ‘Near the end of the scale, usually around the seventh interval, the cancer cells exploded. It appears that the cancer cells were not able to support a progressive accumulation of frequencies.’4 ‘The healthy cells appeared supple and able to freely receive, absorb and return the energy. In contrast, the cancer cells appeared inflexible and immutable in their structure.’5
Hela cancer cells being broken up by the musical scale played on a xylophone6
In experimental sessions on actual cancer patients, the music produced equally astonishing results. Female volunteers with breast cancer were taught to tone the whole scale, using a violin to keep a base note for 21 minutes at a time. They spent 31/2 hours a day doing this for a month. One woman’s tumour disappeared completely.7
Fabien Maman took healthy blood cells and played a xylophone to them. He photographed the changes in the electromagnetic fields around the cells using Kirlian photography. Subjected to a chromatic scale of frequencies, the slight difference of a half tone would produce a completely different shape and colour in the energy field of the cell. He found that the note ‘C’ made them longer, ‘D’ produced a variety of colours, ‘E’ made them spherical and ‘A’ (440Hz) changed the colour of their energy field from red to pink.
In his next experiment, Fabien took a sample of blood from a person’s finger. He then asked the person to sing the seven notes of the major scale to their own blood cell. With each note, the cell’s energy field changed its shape and colour. When the person sang an ‘F’ to their own blood cells, the cells resonated perfectly with the voice, producing a balanced, round shape and vibrant colours of magenta and turquoise.
He says, ‘The cells are completely bathed in light and alive with full resonance, clear evidence that this ‘F’ is the fundamental sound of the singer… Fundamental sound can be very helpful for the physical body through its harmonising and regenerating effect at the cellular level.’8
Blood cells responding to the sound of a person's voice9
From his experiments, Fabien concluded that, ‘In the human voice there is an added element which cannot be found in any other instrument… The human voice carries its own spiritual resonance… This difference, evident from the photographs, is what makes the voice the most powerful healing instrument – particularly when the person needing the healing produced the sounds with his or her own voice.’10
Jim Oliver says that the body responds to sounds that we cannot hear. He says, ‘We put the selected sounds exclusively into a pair of headphones and put them on a client’s ankles. They responded to the sound even though their ears could not hear the sound. Once you vibrate a part of the body the blood cells carry this resonance to the whole body very quickly.’11
Masaru Emoto
A Japanese scientist, Masaru Emoto, wanted to find a way of scientifically evaluating water quality. He decided to freeze samples of water taken from different sources to compare their crystalline structure. When pure water crystallizes it forms a pure crystal; would contaminated water also form a pure crystal?
Water was placed in petri dishes in a freezer for two hours, then placed under a microscope and photographed at a magnification of 200-500 times. Although the crystals that formed were all unique, the crystals from water of the same source were all similar in shape. Over a four-year period his team took 10,000 photographs.
Tap water from Japanese cities generally would not form complete crystals. Tap water from London formed no crystals at all. Spring water generally produced the most beautiful crystals, as did water from holy places such as Lourdes.
Masaru Emoto’s next experiment was playing music to water. He placed distilled water in between two speakers and played one piece of music fully at normal volume. Then he froze the water.
Classical music produced beautiful crystals of slightly different colours. Healing music, a Tibetan mantra and folk music also produced beautiful crystals. Heavy metal music produced a pattern that looked like a crystal that had exploded into a thousand pieces. Japanese pop music produced ugly square-shaped crystals rather then the normal hexagonal ones.12
Since our body is made up of 70% water, Masaru Emoto’s work demonstrates that we are constantly being influenced by the sounds around us and by the information stored in the water we consume.
Water crystals formed when distilled water was frozen after being played Bach's 'Air on a G String'
Water crystals produced when distilled water was frozen after being played heavy metal music13
Music as Medicine
Don Campbell, in his book The Mozart Effect, shows how music, particularly Mozart’s, has all kinds of beneficial effects for human health. Scientists suggest that listening to Mozart helps us to improve our powers of concentration and enhances our ability to make intuitive leaps, by organizing the firing pattern of neurones in the cerebral cortex.14
The foetus prefers Mozart and Vivaldi to other composers. When pregnant mothers listened to Mozart and Vivaldi, the babies’ heart rates invariably steadied and kicking declined. Rock music ‘drove most foetuses to distraction’ and they ‘kicked violently’ when it was played to their pregnant mothers.15
Slower tempo music slows our breathing rate. The human heartbeat will tend to match the rhythm of music. Listening to Pacabel’s Cannon, for instance, at around 64 beats per minute, the rate of a resting heart beat, will slow our breathing rate and heart rate and change our brain wave pattern from beta to alpha. Music will also calm our nervous system and affect metabolism.
The pitch and rhythm of music influence the limbic system, affecting our emotions. Scientists concluded that preferred music ‘may elicit a profound positive emotional experience that can trigger the release of hormones, which can contribute to a lessening of those factors which enhance the disease process’.16
Music is now used to reduce the pain and anxiety of patients undergoing dental treatment and surgical operations. In a study of 59,000 patients, 97% of patients stated that music really helped them to relax in the post-operative situation and during surgery in regional anaesthesia.17
In his research, Dr Mike Lewis found that classical music works on the whole brain, whereas pop music affects only one side of the brain. He says, ‘I recommend that those who are looking for a peak experience try classical. Mozart is a great place to start, but it is a question of trial and error, find what works for you.’18
Singing/Toning
Dr Tomatis found that a child traumatized by an enraged or screaming adult learns to survive by shutting out these noises. Once the hearing shuts down the child will find it hard to learn.19
This explains why some people can sing in tune while others consider themselves ‘tone deaf’. It is impossible for us to make a sound unless we have heard that sound or note before. I have found from experience in teaching voice work that once a person’s hearing is reawakened then they can begin to hear what is sung to them and can then accurately copy this sound.
Toning is defined as – ‘to make sound with an elongated vowel for an extended period’. Toning with other people creates a feeling of unity. It also helps us to release stress and repressed emotions. Regular toning and humming helps to re-energize the body and restore health to the mind, body and spirit.
Toning has a neurochemical effect on the body, boosting the immune system and causing the release of endorphins. Toning assists in good breathing and posture. The muscles of the digestive system are massaged and stimulated by regular toning. Toning has also been effective in relieving insomnia.20
Wolfson
Alfred Wolfson was a German-born singing teacher who was plagued by the sounds of artillery and human agony that he experienced as a soldier in the trenches in World War I. Wolfson cured himself of aural hallucinations by singing the terrible sounds that haunted him. He went on to develop a therapeutic method that was based on using the voice. He taught his students to make spontaneous noises, including those of animals, birds and even machines.
Using Jung’s concept of the anima and animus, Wolfson taught that by extending the vocal range through singing exercises, one could contact the opposite polarity within oneself, thereby integrating the psyche and healing a variety of psychological and physical conditions.21
Laurel Elizabeth Keys, in her book Toning the Creative Power of the Voice, says, ‘A whiny weak voice will suck in negativity, attracting lingering illness like cancer, asthma, allergies, tumors, rheumatism and arthritis. No healing will be possible until the person reverses their tonal pattern.’22
Laurel discovered toning by accident. One day her body became filled with a sound so great that she had to express it. ‘Each time I toned, my body felt exhilarated, alive as it had never felt before, a feeling of wholeness and extreme well-being.’22
Chant
Dr Tomatis discovered the power of chant after visiting a monastery in France. The new abbot had stopped the monks chanting. The Benedictine monks normally chant for six to eight hours a day. The abbot believed that the Gregorian chant served no useful purpose and that without it they could recapture that time for other things.
The monks had been chanting in order to ‘charge up’ themselves, but they hadn’t realized what they were doing. As the days passed they became more and more tired. A procession of doctors came to the monastery over a period of several months. They changed the monks’ diet and sleep patterns but the monks became more tired than ever.
When the abbot called in Dr Tomatis in February 1967, Tomatis found 70 out of the 90 monks ‘slumping in their cells like wet dishrags’. He reintroduced their chanting immediately. By November, almost all of them had gone back to their normal activities, their prayer, their few hours of sleep, and their arduous work schedule.23
Principles of Sound Healing
Entrainment
The principle of entrainment explains how sound healing works. A harmonious sound projected at a person who is in a state of disharmony will eventually bring them into resonance with the harmonious sound. Our atoms, molecules, cells, glands and organs all have a vibrational frequency. Sounds from outside our body will stimulate sympathetic vibration in the molecules and cells of our body.
Intention
The sound wave created by a person singing or playing an instrument will carry information to the receiver of the sound. We all know that a song can be sung with a loving intention or an aggressive intention. When a mother sings a lullaby to her child, the child feels the love in the mother’s voice and is rocked to sleep. At a football match, fans sing aggressive chants directed at the opposing supporters and their team. Here the intention is to intimidate.
Sympathetic Resonance
When two objects have similar vibratory characteristics that allow them to vibrate at the same frequency, they form a resonant system. When a ‘C’ tuning fork is struck, another ‘C’ tuning fork close by will also begin to vibrate. For healing to occur there must be a resonance or rapport between healer and patient.
Pure Tone
Jonathan Goldman in his book Healing Sounds says, “When we have learned techniques for harmonic toning, the human voice is able to create nearly every frequency, at least within the bandwidth of audible frequency.” Jonathan offers the simple formula, “Frequency plus Intention equals Healing.” If we can find a pure sound frequency coupled with a pure intention then healing will occur. When our body receives a pure tone our muscles will relax and tension will be released.24
Sound Healing
When working with a person in a sound healing session I use my voice to scan over their body. I find that my voice will ‘break up’ over areas of their body where there is pain, disease or poor function. I then administer sound healing through my voice using different tones, vowel sounds and harmonics until the imbalance is cleared. I use healing songs, prayers and mantras. I will also help a person find their fundamental sound.
I use a wide range of sound healing techniques to treat all conditions. These include combining my voice with instruments, using sound in combination with bodywork, encouraging the person to express their pain through sound, using tuning forks and different musical intervals.
Dissonant intervals can be used in sound healing to help a person to get in touch with painful emotions. When the dissonance is resolved by sounding the interval above, the person listening will experience a feeling of release, lightness and joy. If the person has experienced deep trauma, I will often chant the person’s name to call back their spirit.
Sound healing can be combined with other healing therapies such as massage and bodywork. After a sound healing treatment most people report a feeling of deep relaxation and an improvement in the function of mind and body. Structural imbalances in the body will often correct themselves during the sound treatment.
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Thursday, January 26th, 2006
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I always promise myself that I will write in a journal a paper journal, assuming that writing in a paper journal will highten my sense of self and self worth. Hoping to get rid of my needing people/filtering the truth problem, better my penmenship, and help evolve my writing skills in a more concrete way (when your not in college you don't write that often don't forget I do not go to college). Alas I never do write in my leather fancy journal mey bought me for christmas 2 years ago(the green leather binding looks great on the shelf though) so I don't self reflect with words very often any more. So nothing, pent up everything it sits inside of me. I joined myspace which is at best an ego maniacs paradise which is fine we live in america must embrace the shallow hormone driven internet world. So sitting down in a quiet house and typign how I feel that is not somthing I do very often.
It is quiet right now its really quiet even in the lower east side of new york city. Its the humming of the refrigerator, click of the clock, steam hissing quietly from the radiator. Outside there is the wind, there is so much humming here small noises at three o clock in the morning all small layered on top of eachother if I stop and listen it becomes a thunderous symphony, until the loud banging of my fingers on the keyboard take the lead. I like being alone here with this keyboard no music just me and my hissing radiator and my ticking clock, doesn't happen often.
It really is scary how the human race moves in cycles emotions come back, places come back, situations come back. How to break the repatition. Right now I am applying to an art college one I know I cannot get in, but I need to lose weight because as usual I am too fat. I still can't get over the fact that I work at bloomingdales soho, one of the only stores I went into on my only NewYorkCity trip was the canal jeans company(which was bought and turned into a bloomingdales) I looked around out the window at old navy. One of the pictures I loved from that trip which no one even has, was meagan deerwalker (took me 20 minutes to remember the name) wearing a zebra cowboy hat cars zooming by with the cool metal facade of old navy as the pictures backdrop, I see it everyday. I swear with every job I get the cool mystery of new york is lost to me and I am filled with hate and irritation. streets that used to be unknown to me I would wander and not know how to get back or even where i was enjoying being lost no plan, memories of streets and parks. Now there is just work, boyfriend, apartment, dog. The streets feel like part of this giant prison this grid that contols the movement of my life. Same every day, I can honestly say the me the I have to answer to at the end of the day is irrate at me for lying to myself for so long. There is nothing here anymore exept for bills and self created obligations, and all this hate is aging me its scary. I need new emotions in my life I need to let go of all the answers I think are going to save me. Life is really easy if you let if be.
jessica gave me 200 pictures today everything from pictures I didn't think existed anymore to ones that were much more recent. I am just finding it hard to be a human being, I think I always will my brain just won't let me accept things it creates fears in me. I create, I mean. Sometimes I am amazing to discover that I feel like just a endless supply of words with nothing behind it like there is nothing really there. I am getting delirious, these words aren't really coming from anywere, there is no emotion behind them, and without emotion there really is no reason to write.....................................................matthewblue
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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This ones for me
thoughts are like trying to connect the glistening ripples on the surface of water. sit thinking and they run and change anyway they feel like, you ask questions and answer them in seconds, never getting to truely understand or revel in your own path of understanding. so needless to say even though I am typing this its just. nice to type and let as much of the process of thought be captured. its also harder because when you feel emotion inbetween your rib cage its mad at you for letting the clumsy finger create a traffic back up. I can't believe how it feels to just prepare to let your thoughts release. a shiverless shiver that slides through every pour of your skin surrounding you in the thoughtful wonder of self.
Yesterday i was looking at my own hand and it was as if I saw it as a new invention. realizing my hand was connected to my body and my face all there was was these thoughts in my head. I am just the thoughts in my head. I know this is an obvious observation. Its not the first time i ever felt this way but this time it was so specific. you just have to look in the mirror and understand that that isn't really you. Because all you are is the thoughts in your head. How fast things could change if you knew this. its hard to know anything. your whole reality is based in your thought and those thoughts are your restrictions. the things that you have decided to undersand about how you are to live your real life. Its the strangest thing to detach yourself from all the ideas. in this core you can start over again. almost any path is plausable. then you let your mind slip back into your reality and its as if you have to give up freedom to live in reality. I have been wondering lately how many of my desisions are true and how many are just made by the person that i think I am. Do I own the person I think I am? Or do the people in my everyday life own that person? Can I return this model for a newer version, or just leave this one behind and start over from scratch? Who am I and who the hell are you......... I am in my rib cage. this strange pent up will to live sits there, like an explosion you just want to fly or scream or live its so pure but by the time your preconceived notions of your self try to process it the cuffs are slapped back on the the prison between the ribs. Its very scary to let the core of yourself analyze this energy because it sets you free. But the thoughts and ideas own you they own your freedom. I don't really know what to say I know tha tthese words are processed because I still feel nothing.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
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Let me tell you streching is not easy. It is about as easy as getting up at 5 am in the morning to go jogging in the park. but its the price i pay for having far too much chocolate this winter.
so the gates are beautiful the other day I went up there super early with my camera. I got to the park at 5 am which is crazy mad early and its snowing so hard. I try to jog but the snow is like 5 inches deep and I am so preoccupied with the way the saffron fabric looks when its illuminated by a lamp post as snow swirls around. So I am so freaked out cause there are like cops everywhere to protect the gates from whatever. but I think I am the only jogger and they will pull me over for no reason but I am suspisious running in the pitch black during a snow storm. but next thing I know I see other joggers. and a little old lady plugging along. let me tell you those central park early birds are fucking burly nothing can stop those fearless sons a bitches. so anyway I keep stopping to take pictures and then running again and I keep passing this woman then stopping to take a picture then passing here. So I apologize for runing the serentiy of her morning walk and the next thing I know I walked around the whole park talking with 60 year old therapist margeret. we parted ways two hours later . I took more pictures, I almost froze to death. but I am so obsessed with this work of art. It changes I need more pictures of it . I mean to see the sun shining through them at 9 am so they glow like magic. or when the blow in the breeze. or by the light of the lamposts. on a grey day jumping surealy from the winter sun. Its inspiring art that changes art that you can truly touch and feel and run through.
So I wanted my love mrs. demonte my highschool art teacher and dear friend to come down and see it before its taken down this weekend. So I fucking called her I havent seen her or spoken to her in over two years. so I called her and it was wonderful. I love that woman with all my heart. She wanted to come but she is booked with her dedicated self. but she wants to come and stay in the spring and I want her to come so badly. Lond story short it was great talking to her again.
I was working on saving money then I called my friend theresa and she is in a bit of a rut no food no money so i bought her like 100 dollars worth of kick ass yummy groceries. then on the way back home I got jelous of her groceries so I had to buy some more for myself, and once money put aside is broken into it blows away into the wind sort of like why we fight till the last moment to break that twenty because once you do.............
but yeah she needed it and its nice to make your friends happy when you can. she has given me so much, Even poor that woman has so much to give. On a side note mey if your mad at me I am very sorry, I hate going out I do I have to be in the perfect mood under the perfect cercomstances. Meeting new people is always so fucking akward. I love you and I sorry that I am boring.
katie I love you I would rather talk to you this way cause I have no real great things to tell you about. I love that cd thank you so much. I hope you are happy. I hope you are filled with more purpose than I am, and if you are dont be so stingy with it. I talked to jeff the other day it was bad I felt like I had to tell him I was unhappy, and I was so unhappy when I finnaly hung up the phone. I feel like he hates me. talking to him rips me open by the seams. still love him.
jess nothing much I love you you wernt home the other day when I was excited about the possibilty of the demonte trip. want to talk to you but its hard to get into the mood to do so. so I love you and thats it.
laura how are you why did you sign up on this monstrosity I can't fucking believe how many people from high school are attached to you then amy then so on. This site is the live journal of the 21st century. I love you tell me how you are doing.
If there is any confusion its because I post on myspace and livejournal.
my email is still bluemattthew@yahoo.com
184 norfolk st apt 6a
ny,ny 10002
if any one has any information on lesley carr or contact informationit owuld be greatly appreciated
Tired now need sleep off on friday gonna do my taxes ...........woo hoo............................................matthew
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 12th, 2005
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so yesterday I went to one of those landmark education seminars, my coworker leonora(crazy russian thing) made me go she swears by this program just like the bible thumpers to their christianity in iowa. I give it a 7.5 for possible emotional merit. It was absolutly honest. No cheep parlor tricks just common truths given back to the people with a cheezy guidence counsler twist. In case your having a hard time following, the landmark seminar is simply put a way to but into wisdom that is everyday readily ignored by the majority of the population. A "friend" will ask you to come to a free seminar which supposidly many people experince there first times with honest self truths and are so moved they choose to sign up for a four day forum of inspiration and truth for the small starting price of 495.00 minimun 100.00 depostit. It helps people. for me it just felt like going to a place where I experienced self loathing for mistakes and lack of acomplishment. which is no new thing if a person isn't acostomed to lying to thimselves. I spoke my mind without being judgemental or sarcastic and next thing I know during the brek everyone wants either to help me break myself down. Soon finding out I am broke down or telling me the things I said were absolutly moving and inspirational. then my coworker leonora comes over to me after talking to the "speakers" telling me that she undersold me that after talking to the group leaders i am brilliant and need to be leading their seminars(after I completed the 495.00 forum for four days). So I tore the hell up out of there. Went home kissed teddy and went to bed. All night I felt my eye all crusty and it wouldn't stop crusting. So I woke up and ran to the bathroom to a crusty pink eye. Called out of work because more than ever after getting back from costa rica i will look for any reason to avoid work having a hard time transitioning back. Got a chance to use my HIP insurance card and find a doctors office on 23rd st. Which might be my doctors office from now on, a wierd thought becoming an adult and having my own insurance and actually using it, I have dental too. So I got my perscription and went home had kick ass soup made by the babis. watched I,robot and the notebook, just a day of lazy crusy eyelaxation. Teddy went to work , and I go over to theresas house ,And I am feeling weird cause I plan not to go to a fashion show mey was going to be in cause I had an eye of pink. Then while catching up with theresa I find out that the bitch had to skip the show because she had to jump onto her plane to go to california and shoot a catolouge. So thats that. Listening to fiona apples album leeks "better version of me" and "extrodinary machine"at first I hated them their too processed. but them I found myself needing to listen to them and now see that this is very fiona this is how she puts her music together and I really love it. I just am waiting for another great emotion wrentch sad piano song. speaking of jessy chick was supposed to send me her cd, she called me out of the blue to get my adress then she never actually sends it. On a better note "The Gates" by http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/index.html.en open tommorow in central park and its so fucking exciting I am gonna go every other day. mey better get her ass back here cause I am going with tree tommorow and I really wold like to take her. ( I love you mey get home safe)
Thank you katie I love you
Now listening to my favorite sad piano song it reminds me of a better time when happiness was stiffeling in its greatness. I will say I have made some amazing friends, had jawdroping expirences, now am for te time comfortably bored in my beautiful apartment with my beautiful boyfriend and I have to say after two and a half years here nothing has ever come close to the golden memories. there is still so much life left but happiness is strange how it comes and goes at its own will. you can be happy but you know when its perfect and nothing can touch it and that is perhaps what i miss.
So I will end it like this because its funny, at the landmark seminar they said simply if you made workable all the unworkable parts of your life what would change. Would you be free?.............................Well would you?
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matthewblue's journal
awake.
good.
blank.